News — April 01, 2015 by Lily Boland
Pacifica’s Valedictorian Meets Totalitarian

It’s spring and for many high school seniors that means the agonizing wait to hear back from their colleges. Many hear rejections and few receive acceptances to their top choice schools. However, Lindsey Knight, senior and Pacifica’s very own valedictorian will not be agonizingly waiting with her class.

Lindsey has received the opportunity of a life time. Because of her outstanding academic achievements, Pacifica’s global status, and her interest in equal opportunities for all in a classless society, she has caught North Korean leader Kim Jong Un’s attention. Lindsey has been forcefully invited to attend Pyongyang University, the DPRK’s best and only college. She was given a full scholarship, with the condition that she works in a government labor program to ensure happiness for all of North Korea. Lindsey heard of this unexpected opportunity back in October when Kim Jong Un supposedly went missing. In actuality, he was visiting the states to visit Dennis Rodman when he accidentally bumped into the Knight family due to a gimp he obtained from his denied swollen ankle. They chatted, he grew to like Lindsey, and told her about where she’d be going to college right then and there. No questions asked.

Lindsey will be studying like every other college student around the world, except she’ll be reading Juche philosophy instead of Plato or actually relevant philosophers. Her history lessons will also be altered to cater to North Korean exceptionalism, something that she will be unable to dispute. But for her, “that’s okay. I believe the North Korean way is the only way. Well, I don’t actually know what goes on there but come on, a full scholarship? As long as I’m allowed to leave I don’t mind what they teach me,” says Knight. She’s fearfully optimistic that her four-year stay in the DPRK will be fun.

The valedictorian and dictator have been exchanging friendly emails since they first met. He’s excited to have her represent America in Pyongyang and show the world how great North Korea actually is. Lindsey wants to study English, but since that’ll be pointless in the DPRK Kim Jong Un is making her change her major to engineering with a minor in nuclear missiles. Upon being asked about her career change, Lindsey responds with, “I don’t see the harm in it. It’s not like they’ve ever actually released one before. And since it’s not what I like to do, I can’t benefit them in anyway. I think the whole thing is kind of funny and surprising. I mean, we’ve all heard of North Korea, but for me to actually go and study there, well that’s a whole other story.”

Lindsey plans on not attending Pyongyang Graduate school, North Korea’s best and only graduate school because she thinks she’ll “want to get out” after four years under dictatorship. Kim Jong Un is also forbidding her family from visiting her and vice versa. In an email to her, he even said “it will distract you from your studies. North Korea is your new home. Not up for discussion. I am your new Great Leader. You will be North Korean.”

To say the least, Lindsey is embarking on a whole new kind of global adventure for her undergraduate studies.

APRIL FOOLS’

 

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Lily Boland

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